Monday, May 10, 2010

Bradley Cooper Goes Forth: The Justice Friends

If you care to read past the incidental concurrence in the names of posts in the Bradley Cooper series with Blackadder seasons (find posts here:I, II, III), I'd like you to begin to ask yourself, if you've ever wondered how your favourite superheroes stay buff. Unless you're thinking of Pieman, the logical conclusion would be that your comic book hero also goes to a gym of his own. How do I know that? Because in my pursuit of dimension change, I have run into no less than five great superheroes at my gym. So if you dare cause me any trouble, I'll call one of these five Justice Friends into service:

1. The Bored-to-Death Sardarji Meditator (BDSM, for short): Laugh not, at BDSM. Through the transcendental powers that he has gained through constant meditation at the gym, he knows every time you secretly snigger at the obvious sexual connotation to his name. And he's not happy about it. So watch out when he comes to deliver that can of whoop ass (delivered gently, of course). So you might wonder how he gained his superpower. As it turns out, BDSM was once (or always) really bored in gym. He took forever to complete one set of exercises then traveled the ends of the gym for many kalpas to follow. Later, when he awoke to weight training, everyone around him knew that enlightenment had been attained. As he slowly, yet with great steadfastness lifted the five kilos, his eyes closed, his breath deepened and his face acquired the most peaceful expression men had ever seen. He then proceeded to repeat the process a few more times before he travelled the ends of the gym once more, to let all know of his enlightenment.

2. The Constipator: "Constipator" is a misnomer, really. For The Constipator does not use his evil eye to constipate people. When he comes into gym in his cool "Eminem Slim Shady" t-shirt, everyone stops what they're doing to watch him do what he does best. The Constipator proceeds to lift weights way beyond his limit. While doing so, his face acquires an expression that tells others of the exploding of his insides from the effort. His teeth clench, his eyes pop out and his body trembles. It is that expression that earned him that feared name. It is that expression which makes me repeat the same phrase to myself every time I see him- "Mat kar bhai, mar jayega" (succinctly translated in English to dude...stop, or you'll die). The Constipator has just one weakness- his arrogance. For if you're concerned about him busting his lower back while lifting enormous weights and suggest he wears a belt, he shrugs off your advice and continues to exercise his superpowers.

3. The Underwear-er: The Underwear-er has great observational skills. In fact, he perfected his superpower after years of observing scores of Indian men who think that boxers are a good excuse for shorts. So he turns up at gym in boxers, making a perfect display of his thighs. That is also the key to his superpower- the fact that you absolutely have to look away when he's exercising. If you can't look at him, you can't hurt him.

4. The Unsolicited Advisor: Re-incarnation is his game. This guy has avatars running amok all around the city. In lines at the bank, in the bus, at the post office, even at your neighbourhood store. The Unsolicited Advisor heart goes out to all those people that he feels are lifting weights too puny for them or those that he deems exercising incorrectly. He promptly comes over to you and repeats that great catchphrase he has used so often- "You need to prektiss more!" which he follows with "lift heavier weights! I have seen guys much lighter than me lift much heavier weights!". The greatest superpower that this guy has, is the ability to inspire. You stay around him long enough, and you'll become exactly like him.

5. Count Gruntula: He's great friends with Maria Sharapova. Perhaps they're even an ideal match, but for the looks department. She grunts at 110 decibels whether it's a smash from the base-line or a deft touch from the net, he grunts at the same volume whether he's lifting three kilos or fifty. You may not see Count Gruntula (where there is light), but rest assured he'll make his presence felt from that dark corner where he is grunting away to glory.

Just as I finish writing this, I shudder with fear. I realize that BDSM has figured that I'm posting this. They must be heading my way right now.

The doorbell just rang.

Ouch.

5 comments:

Bhatti said...

wow, seems like the gymming stereotypes are getting more stereotypical by the hour, but you forgot or rather have yet been saved from one other class - the chanties (chattering aunties) - the group of middle aged, dwarfish ladies (all sizes, only two gymwears - either salwar kameez (?) or a full body tracksuit) who will take an hour (no less) on a treadmill ambling at 4.0 with a sweatband at three different places and boundlessly blabbering about their lives, movies, their weight and other issues that you don't wanna hear about... but still do :(

Wanderer said...

Maybe you should do a connected post and cover the rest :P

Lithium said...

A-Don-is : Those hulking monstrosities who insist on wearing t-shirts five sizes too small and are found at the gym no matter what time of the day you show up. Though you never see them actually do anything except gaze in the mirror and look menacing..

Wanderer said...

A-Don-ises are close cousins with the Unsolicited Advisor and also the GK-1 Boys (the ones with neon lighting and loud Punjabi music in their cars)

Lithium said...

ah.. you've encountered the lot have you?